My Complicated Love Life

I promised I would get to this post. My love life is certainly complicated and I definitely make it that way. If I could just say no and cut people out of my life I would be better, but nope... can't do.

Chris has been in and out of my life for 5 + years now. He and I both agree what we have is sooo unorthodox but we can't let go. We started as work friends and then worked our way into work friends with benefits and those benefits expanded. Us and a bottle of wine... you know what was coming. That's even when we were dating other people... somehow we found an escape from our lives with each other. I have tried to end it but we just don't last long apart.

S is just S. I wouldn't call him a love interest but we certainly have our own interesting story. Him not being ready, me not being ready (literally) and then us going back and forth between the song and dance of phone calls, dinners, lunches, etc. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy that part of the relationship but sometimes I wonder where we are going, if anywhere. Maybe that is the girl in me but I truly like having S in my life. He makes me smile and challenges me to be a better, more relaxed person. Similar to Chris but there is more of an innocence with S.

Matt, well do I need to go there??? A year long boyfriend with benefits relationship... he has a house, a Range Rover, a house, friends I adored to some extent, a cousin I hated and dated and oh, yea um the benefits. There was nothing better than the benefits of dating Matt but we were at home bf and gf, we never went out in public... Don't ask but sometimes I enjoyed the benefits so much I didn't mind that there was someone else pining for him he never truly got rid of in the first place. It was nice to know that she was younger and not as mature in some respects. We played house on the weekends, hosting parties and cleaning up after them - we were almost married!!!

And then there is Steve. 12 + years older and I adore him. There is a history there too but things are changing now that he has found someone. And for that I am happy. But we had some good times.

There are more but those are the guys who truly can time stamp my brain and I will never ever forget. I would love to find a mix of all 4 men, while all very different they all have a way of making me feel like the only person in the room and in their direct view. They help me to relax and unwind, have a little fun. Some like to have me dress up and take me out, others prefer quiet nights as home. Me... I am ok with both but I do want someone who can handle a night of dress up every once in a while. I do hold every guy I date up to a version of Chris and S. They are two very different yet very similar guys and they deserve to be held up for standards for my future guy.

So maybe it is partly me for my being single but I couldn't imagine things any differently. Someday it will all work out.

~xoxo