I couldn't possibly...

...yes I could. I am considering staying where I am all thanks to a good chat yesterday with an asst. superintendent. We talked about what I can do to get into a supervisory role. This all came about when I mentioned I wanted to talk to her about my future here and this was in between meeting with principals. She said she was very impressed with me in these meetings because I really got what was going on and I understood. I spoke eloquently and with knowledge of what is really going on in the schools. That made me smile and feel really good. It has been a long time since I had someone in my corner and compliment me that way. Way over do and so needed.

With that I contacted a few more people today about my next steps.

So I am starting off the long weekend with a renewed sense of hope for my job, a new hair cut (decided going to South Hadley for cut, and my regular girl for color is the way to go)and a swollen ankle. OK, the ankle comes with the territory but it is swollen.

I plan on RELAXING by the pool this weekend big time. Starbucks, brunches, sun and drinks... what could be better.

Just when you think it is safe...

...insert Jaws music here. Just when you think it is safe and you are out of the clear..my care breaks down again. This time it wasn't in the gym parking lot though, it was in the middle of an intersection on my way to Starbucks this morning. And yes, never did get my Starbucks. So after being pushed out of the intersection, getting towed by a very good looking guy and shelling out $250 last week for a new battery and some extras, the alternator died and I am shelling out somewhere in the vicinity of 700 today plus 50 for towing. Lovely, just freakin' loveley!!!! Oh wait, it gets better... I also have a leak in my coolant system so that will be another 350. I have to wait until next week for that one to get fixed, so this girl gets to look daily underneath her hood to make sure she doesn't overheat the car. Looks like I will not be taking it away this weekend, we will have to use another vehicle! Not that I was driving anyways.

Arghh!!! Happy start of the school year to me!!!

Am I a sucker??

Today I was in meetings with assisitant superintendents and principals about their school's performance and listening to them talk about the challenges, struggles and tirumphs made me say - this is why I am here... to help them meet their goals. I admit there are times, especially now, when I feel like nothing more than a highly paid secretary but this afternoon made me say - this is it, this is why I do my job. I was talking with them as to let's do this and try this and I can come in and do this and the light bulb went off for me. Maybe not the light bulb that says this is you and the rest of your life but for now it gave me purpose and made me smile. I also spoke to my new boss later which was helpful too.

When you envision yourself, what do you see for the future? I can't fully answer that but I see me in a killer suit with killer shoes and running something. Not literally running, but in charge of something. I don't know what it is or where, but me in charge of something and that makes me happy. It makes me realize I am ok right now. I will still look but maybe the reason the rest of the jobs fell through is because I am meant to be right here right now. We shall see as I do believe "everything happens for a reason."

Life no longer handed to you on a silver platter??

I finally realized my life is no longer handed to me on a silver platter and I really do have to work for what I want. (gasp!) I came to this realization as my career life is in a state of chaos and I can't just go "this is what I want" and get it. Not that I could pick and chose like that before, but things always seemed to fall in place. I was graduating college and before I even did I had a job lined up at MassMutual and started 1 week after graduation. When I wanted a job change within the company, I got it. Didn't really like it but was given an out at Bay Path as I was finishing my master's at the time. Didn't go so well there with my new boss as I looked for change and she wanted stale, status quo. I left on not so great terms - dare I say I was Fired - but I took some time off.

It was then things started to unravel. I was diagnosed with ADD (what I thought was a death sentence because my type A personality was unraveling too) but the job hunt wasn't so easy. Ok, maybe looking for jobs via a laptop by the pool and constantly relaxing beach side wasn't the best but I had a killer tan and it was nice to relax for a change. Plus when my mom was injured and had to be home, I was there for her. I did land a job in the school department in Nov. 2004 which wasn't too challenging work wise for me but I did it and it gave me some great connections. Today, almost 3 years later I am still there trying to figure out what I am doing with my life. That said, it isn't they way it used to be anymore for job hunting. I have applied and interviewed for a few which I was a "shoe-in" for but I didn't get any of them. Kind of heart wrenching to know it isn't as easy as it used to be. Makes me wonder...did I lose my charm? What changed? How come when I was young and impressionable I could get what I wanted, now not so much?

Not that I am not adverse to working hard, I don't believe you should just be handed a job but have you seen a change in your life lately? It is nice for someone to say "here you go" but there is something more rewarding about working hard for it. However, when you want a change... why can't it just pop up when you want it to???

Updates...

... where to start.

Me - am doing ok. Still looking for my career purpose in life. Had some good conversations with people this week who are all surprised I didn't get my bosses job because as they say "wasn't I her protege??"" Well yes, but there are politics I try and be careful with and that was one of them. The Boston Sunday Globe career sections, NYT career section, Hartford Courant and Republican career sections were all in my house today. My foot is still attached. It kills!!! Some swelling has gone down but the pain...ouch! I got some wide leg capris this weekend to wear well into the fall seeing as my boot isn't going away any time soon. See this is what I get to wear...

I think I could go on and on about work and my foot but I won't too much. I have decided I will most likely buy some extra pairs of Crocs because I have to wear 1 shoe and it needs to have some height to even out my lovely boot. My love for fashion is seriously shot right now. I did however fall in love with a new Coach bag. I decided if I spent $1,000 for a black one and a tan colored one than I would get rid of all my other bags. Don't worry... I don't have that to spend right now...

Oh, so you know how my coworkers are lately... I got flowers Friday from some friends at MassMutual and they are gorgeous!!! Anyways, my boss, coworkers - everyone - came over to ask who they are from and why. Well my old coworkers I said and for my foot...I enjoyed every minute of rubbing it into their faces that I am respected and cared for even after I leave some place. It has been 3 years since I left MM and still they love me. A little selfish of me - yes, but needed. Will it work, probably not but I am soooo thankful for my flowers.

By the way, thanks to everyone who said I should buy Ian a wedding present. I agree too. As for hearing from him - I haven't. Until I do I won't buy anything plus I wouldn't know where to send it. I hope I can... it would make me feel good to start thinking of him as a good friend again. I would like to try for real this time but I am not sure how willing he is.

The Ankle

Update on the ankle... saw the surgeon this afternoon. I had a steroid shot today that is killing me right now!!!! Home with my foot up. Tomorrow is touch and go as for going to work too... supposed to stay off of it for 24 hours. So the shot is the way it goes, two week update to the doc to say yea or nay on it working. Might need a bone scan and a second opinion which my sister is working on already. The short of it... still in the boot and need to "journal" my pain, sit on a bike and pedal...not spin and nothing else - not PT, nothing. So another 4 weeks of the same crap!!! No cute fall shoes or pants for me... :-(

Because I Said So

In my last post I told you it was Saturday night and I was home with my dog watching movies... yep, it was true. And a half of bottle Chardonnay and two movies later I am questioning my love life yet again!!!

I watched the movie 'Because I Said So' with Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore. It is about a girl probably about my age dating all of the wrong guys and after seeing her two other daughters marry happily the mother, Diane, wants her last daughter, Mandy, to date a nice guy. So, she enlists online dating and interviews the guys first. She does this in a hotel bar and the musician playing that day takes note. They chat and the mother basically says he is wrong for he daughter and the next guy to show up is "perfect." Anyway long story short Mandy ends up with the musician at the end of the show. It was light hearted, fun, carefree but again made me feel like a loser in love. I have dated EVERY wrong guy and wonder when I will find Mr. Right. Let's see who I have dated shall we...
1. left for me for "best" friend (we were 15),
2. dating someone else by 4 (recurring theme),
3. no respect for women,
4. feels the need to have someone on the side,
5. can't let go of the wrong girls when the right one is standing in front of him waiting,
6. "can't let go's" boss who is 12 years older and has a daughter closer in my age (ok more hooking up than dating),
7. the guy from work who wants to grow up yet doesn't want the help/relationship because I intimidate him, and
8. my best friend although short lived.

We can obviously tell that I tend to date guys who are unavailable, either emotionally or physically. Recurring theme - YEP!!! I can read so much into this and not sure how blog appropriate it is because I know who reads this but I will say it all has to do with one fateful night back in the summer between freshman and sophomore year of college when I vowed never to move back to Springfield (that went well) and the course of my emotional life changed forever. I can honestly say that all of this has led me to live this way and makes me realize that at age 26 I have never truly been in love. I know why I am the way I am and how I got this way and I am also pretty good at hiding it. I have finally come to realize and admit I need to fix this. I need to change and say goodbye to some people in my life.

That said, when I am ready to find love, where do you look? I tried online, I tried work but right now working in a predominantly all female environment isn't helping, I have two best friends who are too far to be my sidekicks and one who is close but dating someone herself. I did tell people I am looking and open, so maybe you too can spread the word. Work in progress looking for someone... :-)

Best Friend, Part II

Sorry for the long delay this week but it has been a rough week - work is crazy, Gina left which means my best friend and my sanity is gone so now work truly will be crazy!!!

Anyways it is Saturday night and I am sitting home with my dog and chinese, wine and movies. Hey, if I had two workable feet maybe I would be out on the town, but alas I am here waiting to see the surgeon on Tuesday.

Ok, an update from the post the other day on Ian. I heard from Ian and I can say I wasn't too surprised... I thought I might. In some ways I still know him... :-) Ian emailed me and said in some ways he does have the same "what if" feeling but time will only tell. In the mean time he is not only getting engaged but they set a date and I am not invited. I can't say I am suprised... I think in order for me to get an invite, btw he decided not to invite me, he and I would have needed to grab coffee some time and chat in person and if that went well, I would have then met her but that never happened. Not to say I never tried... I am in Boston at least once a month, not since May, but roughly once a month. It is a city I love and can't stay away from. So back to Ian, I am not invited and right now am ok with it but I do have to say I would love to grab coffee with Ian sometime and catch up in person and see how it goes. My one question is, how much does she really know about me??? He said she does know but what exactly does she know and should she know everything... That's a question that plagues my mind mostly because he said I am his "what if" girl and I don't want him to feel this way on his wedding day. I don't want him thinking about me... I don't think he will but I really don't want him to...he deserves not to. Can I ask though, when is the wedding and can I buy them a gift? Is that ok? He was my friend of 22/23 years and I want to see him happy regardless. Let me know.

When do you know the time is right?

I just left my dear friend's house - Mr. Atlanta. He and I relaxed, watched tv but we also talked. We talked about love lives and mostly his - we all know mine is a bit non-existant right now. The big thing that came up is why is he still dating someone he doesn't sleep with much (I know), but more importantly doesn't spend much time with and get along too well with. And this is the second or third time he has been with her. Same girl who broke vases, etc. his condo back in December. In all respect to her I never met her and I can't speak very negatively of her but I don't get how either of them can be in a relationship that has fizzled out sooo long ago. I stayed in my last relationship for nine months but we saw each other mutlitple times a week... it wasn't perfect - we didn't go out in public too much unless it was to our bars or friends but he did work until 10 pm every night but Sunday and Monday. It wasn't perfect but we tried and truly did talk alot and see each other a lot.

I don't want to judge Mr. A's relationship and he knows my concern of saying "why?" is not so I can date him but so I can see him happy again. I saw that brief glimpse over Christmas and I miss that from him. When do you know the time is right to say "this is the right time to let go." How do you know?

us from a few years ago...

Best Friend

My friend Ian may have a hard time reading this if he still checks out the blog because this post is 100% dedicate to him and me. This post was made possible due to me reading a book this weekend, Rosie Dunne. I couldn't sleep the other night and started it and then finished it a few hours later, one of those quick reads you can't put down. Unfortunately I cried my way through it too because it reminded me about Ian.

Ian and I first met when we were little babies in the 'cry room' at church. We were too young then to really remember much but apparently we connected as friends so my mom said. High school was the next time we saw each other and I forget how we realized who we were to one another but it came out I think as we were in four classes together and he was seeing my best friend at the time. Anyway to keep a long story short we became best friends, went to college a few blocks away from one other and were verbally inseparable making decisions about life and live together. We definitely were friends with benefits but the friendship way out weighed the benefits part.

I moved away and that is where our problems began. He stayed and got mad I left but we stayed friends, all hours day and night we talked. We tried to become more than friends and not for the sake of trying but the not being honest on his part put a wrench into our friendship and my faith in him was shattered. I tried and he tried but we couldn't get back there. He has since moved on to find someone else, get engaged, etc. I too but there is not a day goes by when I don't think of him and miss him. He was the first person I told I got a job, I was moving, I was going to grad school, I lost my virginity in the worst way and more importantly he knew what I was thinking and say it aloud or finish my sentences. He truly was my best friend and we both made mistakes that let it fade.

Well the book I read, Rosie Dunn, was about two best friends, male and female, and they see each other through a move to America (they were in Dublin), relationships, babies, marriages, more kids, deaths, etc. The story ends with them finally after 50 years of being friends getting together because throughout their lives they realized they were meant to be. It was such a nice story and it made me miss Ian so much. I do love him, I cannot however say I am in love with him. He definitely is my "what if" guy though. I am certainly not friendly enough now to be invited to his wedding but I wonder if I did go how both he and I would handle it. I wonder if either of us would have a hard time with it. I honestly don't know how I would act. I think I may feel a little pang in my stomach watching him get married or knowing when that day comes. I was a little unsettled knowing he got engaged. He was once my best friend and I know I don't have any ownership of him today but do you ever wonder what if? Is there someone you miss and wonder what if???

Ian, if you read this, I am sorry but I had to. I miss you and I miss us. I would not ruin what you have today, I don't have it in me but I do miss my friend and I am sorry for what I did or didn't do to hold on. I do know if it is meant to be for us being friends again, we will be. If not, know I love you enough to let you go but I will never forget you.

New Environment, Part II

Work is really crazy right now. I have two new bosses and they are not sure what is going on. They met with my coworker today and all the sudden wanted me to drop what I was doing and help her. Hello, doesn't anyone care that I am up to my eyeballs in work and deadlines too???!!! Oh well, I have a meeting tomorrow to find out my new job responsibilities... wish me luck.

p.s. I was up to 1 a.m. trying to put together a plan of attack and all my current job duties. Can we say I have bags under my eyes!!!

New Enviroment, Part I

I find out in a few minutes how drastically my team and department are changing. I knew they were bringing some people in from finance to run the office...interesting since we do assessments and research. I guess from a $$ standpoint it could make some since, but tell me what you think... let go of one person to hire two in her place - and we are saving $$$!!! Oh well time will tell and I of course will supply the scoop.

My motto as of late, as everyone should be doing regardless, "keep your eyes open and ears to the ground." Hey you never know what you might find out - like how I knew the inside scoop of the newbies because I strictly watched and listened. However, taking my quote to a new level - I don't know how the dept. will play out so I am on the look out!

I'll write more a little later when I know what is going on.

Claiming

Technorati Profile

Sorry... had to put a little post up to add it to a new site for more visibilty.

Will post more later.

Weekend Recap

In yesterday's post I brought you up to speed until last night. Last night's patio party was great. Pool, fire pit, good summer music, lots of alcohol and of course good friends. We had a great time and I had lots to drink. I guess after not doing so much for so long I tried making up for it and I lasted. I looked mighty summery too, minus the big boot on one foot I did have a flip flop to finish the look...cute 70's halter, silver jewelry (I have been into the 70's style lately), curly hair.

I don't know what time I got home but by 9 a.m. I was wide awake and made it to Starbucks for some refreshment. Then off to breakfast with Nana in Amherst and I was so not glam but looked somehow looked it, hair was a mess, t-shirt, bermuda sweats, over sized sunglasses and a cute tote - somewhat celebrityish. Then in the pool by the afternoon. Spent the whole afternoon in the pool until time to get ready for the Sunday ritual of "Family Dinner." Always make sure to have a drink in hand when family arrives... you know that one person who always bugs you...

All in all the weekend wasn't too bad. Next weekend boating maybe but definitely Falmouth to see Geoff in his marathon.

Sweet dreams.

Quick Check In

Hey all,
A quick check in... After Thursdays drinks at Seamus O'Reilly's I went to Uno's last night with Zee. She and I haven't seen each other in years. We drank and ate and caught up. We talked about relationships and our lives and when it came to the topic of guys in my life she still finds it funny I am friends with Mr. Atlanta. I guess after all she is right, I still can't believe it either, but the world does work in strange ways. Btw, had like 5 or 6 margaritas and then had to teach a class at 8 a.m. today - I can at least pedal a bit.

I did see Mr. Atlanta today too, called him last night in my drinking daze and he called today. It's funny to hear your cell ring the tone you don't expect when you have T-45 minutes to buy a baby shower gift at Target. You know that guy or girl in your life when you can just go to their place and lay on the couch and not worry, that's what Mr. A and I have. I bet if I walked around half dressed it wouldn't phase him too much and vice versa...weird huh?

Ok, off for a little more fun, brother is in town and it's patio party night (yes the cast is making its appearance too).

Nothing Serious...

Today's post is more mindless than thought provoking. This has been a trying week for me work wise but also foot wise. I am continuing therapy and my range of motion is better but still not to where I want it to be. Plus I am in more pain now than I was when I hurt the darn thing. I know it is all a part of the process but it is hard and frustrating, especially after so long and no end in sight. Besides, when someone now asks what I did I don't know what to say. Do I say "fractured, loose bone or cartilage??" I don't have an answer that I can Google and help self-diagnose and that is bothersome!!!! Docs, if you're reading this...fix it!

On a friendlier note, I went out for drinks last night to see my friend John play in his band. That was fun!!! Tonight will bring more drinks and more fun. My friend Z and I are getting together to catch up, toast her new found singledom, and most importantly have fun. Saturday finds me teaching Spinning (more on the gym in a bit), and a baby shower. Who knows after that. Sunday = poolside.

The gym... I am back!!! OK, kind of. My friend Geoff set me up with an upper body program so when the day comes, I can hit the ground running or lunging and lifting with GP classes. Spinning I am slowly coming back to - meaning pedaling on the bike while everyone else works hard! Hey, baby steps, right?

More on my weekend to come... Have fun everyone!

Legally Blonde????

Not quite a blonde, but a red head sure. My cus and I were talking yesterday AM (hi Jim!) about actually my recent post, "Rock the Boat." We both agreed that when it comes to rocking the boat I am more along the lines of "hook, line and sink 'em." I can be a brutal one. I have the philosophy that is you cross my path in a bad way, knowingly or willingly hurt me, than watch out! Now that I have all the guys in my life or potential boyfriends scared, let me clarify I do not get evil or vindictive if things don't work out, that's life and I am well aware of that.

I am not this way professionally either. OK, so maybe vindictive if something calls for it but I have learned never, ever 'burn my bridges' because as life throws us curve balls we never know who will be on the receiving end to catch the curve ball. I truly take that lesson to heart in my career, however I am not above playing the game. In my work life I have seen politics get played and I have jumped right in and joined and in some ways I could say that is how I got where I am today. Some people have diplomatic immunity, I currently have work immunity. I am not saying people should use sex or anything racy like that however I feel playing the game is and can be an essential part of staying alive in some work environments. I have learned how to play the game well (if I could only figure out golf this easily) and play up certain assets when necessary. Now don't go getting all weirded out by that comment, I do have a master's degree and that gives me some smarts in life!!!

Am I lethal... sometimes when applicable, am I legal... definitely, just ask my favorite bartenders who know what to make me and when and how strong to make it! I may not be a Harvard degree, lawyer boyfriend toting, Porsche driving gal but I do tote around the cutest white fluff ball of a dog, Max, and I have managed to find some smarts along the way. So Legally Blonde...no, Legally Reddish/Blonde...oh yea!