The Day Before Christmas

I apologize for not blogging lately but as you can imagine, life has been crazy. Between work, shopping, cleaning, wrapping, work it has been crazy.

Today I find myself working but also reflecting on the time of year. It is funny how spending lots of money takes precedence this time of year. I budgeted this year and put limits on gifts but I found myself competing right down to the last dollar to make sure everyone was even. I feel guilty I am not as extravagant as years past but lets see I have paid of my car, both of my credit cards and I am trying to sock away what I can for a condo. I have some priorities in life that have to take a front seat to Christmas and as much as I hate it I have to do it. I am trying so hard not to spend and go crazy and it is hard. I never remember it being this way as a child. Do presents seem to get bigger as we get bigger? Do we feel the need to spend more and buy more just because we are growing up? I love getting and receiving presents, so don't get me wrong but when did we inflate everything? Why does it seem harder to find gifts for people when we are all older? I am the hard person to buy for because I love opening up boxes but seriously, how many people know my size to buy me clothes!!!

With the craziness of last minute shopping today I wish everyone finds that perfect gift, spreads cheer to the one behind them in line whether in the parking lot or at the cash register and I wish you all a very merry holiday with your loved ones. I think it would take a recession to put the true meaning of Christmas back in our lives but I wish that every year you find that perfect gift for those on your list and you always don't go into debt because of it. From someone who likes to shop, ok loves to shop, I am learning going into debt is not necessary and the guilt does fall away.

Merry Christmas, be safe.

~xoxo

Trimming the Tree

I am sorry for the long time in between posts but it was a hard week to find inspiration. Work is driving me insane.

This weekend found me doing some Christmas shopping and staying warm and indoors during a Sunday storm. Tonight after a bowl of homemade chicken soup I found myself pouring a glass of res, turning on the radio to holiday music and trimming our tree. We bought it last week and found time to put the star and lights on midweek and we thought maybe no decorations. The tree, white lights and gold star looked elegant but I was in the spirit to do more. Max laid on the couch, I trimmed the tree, we sang and then when I decided enough ornaments we snuggled on the couch wrote out Christmas cards.

I have to admit I have been in a forced holiday mood. More truer this time than last year but still forced. Something about this weeks snow storms helped put me in the spirit of this time of year. Funny because I sometimes think of moving to a warmer climate, but yet this year the snow helped make the mood...

I think part of my delay for the mood is my parents are older and still do some decorating but they don't do as much as when my sister, cousin and I were younger. They don't do the lights, rush to do the decorations, etc. It all comes when they find time and because I am living at their home right now it isn't exactly like I can take over. Next year I hope to be all healed and in my own place in which I can decorate my tree, string up lights, play carols during dinner, trim my tree, host a party, and most of all enjoy the holiday. I will find my way back to a happy holiday spirit some day but know little by little I am working on it.

Do you find it harder as you get older or are in certain circumstances to be in the spirit?

Phone Numbers

Here is the question of the day? Think about it and look for a post from me tomorrow on it.

If all of the numbers fell out of you phone book (or deleted from your cell phone) whose would you look for first and why?

My Complicated Love Life

I promised I would get to this post. My love life is certainly complicated and I definitely make it that way. If I could just say no and cut people out of my life I would be better, but nope... can't do.

Chris has been in and out of my life for 5 + years now. He and I both agree what we have is sooo unorthodox but we can't let go. We started as work friends and then worked our way into work friends with benefits and those benefits expanded. Us and a bottle of wine... you know what was coming. That's even when we were dating other people... somehow we found an escape from our lives with each other. I have tried to end it but we just don't last long apart.

S is just S. I wouldn't call him a love interest but we certainly have our own interesting story. Him not being ready, me not being ready (literally) and then us going back and forth between the song and dance of phone calls, dinners, lunches, etc. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy that part of the relationship but sometimes I wonder where we are going, if anywhere. Maybe that is the girl in me but I truly like having S in my life. He makes me smile and challenges me to be a better, more relaxed person. Similar to Chris but there is more of an innocence with S.

Matt, well do I need to go there??? A year long boyfriend with benefits relationship... he has a house, a Range Rover, a house, friends I adored to some extent, a cousin I hated and dated and oh, yea um the benefits. There was nothing better than the benefits of dating Matt but we were at home bf and gf, we never went out in public... Don't ask but sometimes I enjoyed the benefits so much I didn't mind that there was someone else pining for him he never truly got rid of in the first place. It was nice to know that she was younger and not as mature in some respects. We played house on the weekends, hosting parties and cleaning up after them - we were almost married!!!

And then there is Steve. 12 + years older and I adore him. There is a history there too but things are changing now that he has found someone. And for that I am happy. But we had some good times.

There are more but those are the guys who truly can time stamp my brain and I will never ever forget. I would love to find a mix of all 4 men, while all very different they all have a way of making me feel like the only person in the room and in their direct view. They help me to relax and unwind, have a little fun. Some like to have me dress up and take me out, others prefer quiet nights as home. Me... I am ok with both but I do want someone who can handle a night of dress up every once in a while. I do hold every guy I date up to a version of Chris and S. They are two very different yet very similar guys and they deserve to be held up for standards for my future guy.

So maybe it is partly me for my being single but I couldn't imagine things any differently. Someday it will all work out.

~xoxo

Updates...

I am so sorry it has been quiet from me, I am fighting an awful cold!!! I woke up Thursday not feeling well and by Thursday night I was a miserable, stuffy mess. I found myself at work Friday, I know infecting my coworkers, but I needed to save my sick days for my surgery. I came home Friday night and went to bed after some texting to S and then conked out for most of the night. Ok, not most of, every 2 hours after 10 p.m. I was up to blow my nose, cough up a lung and get more vicks and vaseline... trying not to look the part of Rudolph just yet! Anyway, it didn't get any better over the weekend so Saturday and Sunday were the same but on the couch with my little pup. Thank goodness for living with my 'rents right now... I would not have had medicine, fluids or soup if it wasn't for them. I am ok with being 27 and still being taken care of.

Back to the daily grind today and trying to eat as healthy as I can to keep my body healthy but darn that 1/2 donut and muffin!!! Where did they come from, I never even saw them enter my mouth!!!

My parents got our tree yesterday. I was so bummed I didn't go but I was sick and um, well my leg wouldn't hold up well in a tree farm anyways. I love Christmas and I love it even more when I can decorate and take part, so looks like I am the decorating queen this year. I still haven't gone shopping, maybe I can convince S to come with for a while. That's a big maybe but he didn't do any shopping yet either... Actually dinner and a movie would work for me.

As for the love life... no improvement and I promise to write more about it as I said in last post... I can say Chris is back with the ex, I think this makes it 5 times they have gotten back together. When you are in a relationship that screwy I think it is stupid but you must deserve each other...

My wish for Christmas... someone to spend time with that I truly like and enjoy spending time with. Someone who knows me well enough to stand me for a few hours, someone who can hold a conversation with me, someone who will watch out for me when my foot hurts but would be willing to take a slow walk with me around the block even though my foot will hurt after, someone just willing to be a good friend. Sure, the fairy tale of the perfect guy is still there somewhere in my head but I don't know about the fairy tale right now, I just know I want to be happy.

~xoxo

What a Week!!!!

What a week and it is only Wednesday. I am amazed at how many times people try to knock me down in a week, especially those above me. I admit to buckling a little under the pressure, I don't give up but I go and vent to the people who need to know and then go about my own thing. I can't cater to people I don't trust nor do I choose to trust and frankly I shouldn't have to. I do my job and I do it very well and I am always open for ways to do better or take constructive criticism but sometimes what i get is not constructive criticism, it is down right rudeness and jealousy frankly.

My horoscope told me today I am on fire, and everyone who knows me well - it won't be a surprise how good I am but to those who don't they will say "who is that girl?" Gotta love reading something like that in the AM when you aren't sure you want to roll out of bed. I can't say I honestly believe and follow 100% what my horoscope says but I do read it daily during the week. I like to see what the supposed stars say and what actually happens during the day. Sometimes it is right on, others not so much. The area that tends not to be right is my love life, but even I can forgive the stars. I am somewhat complicated in that area.

OK, I have to run but I will get into my complicated love life a little more later... in the meantime...

~xoxo ;-)

Weekend Recap

This weekend was not overly eventful. I had a holiday dinner at the college for the graduate students. Lots of wine, socializing and and networking again for me. Although this time I was on my feet for a good 4+ hours... not so fun!

Saturday found me up early for a massage which was def. needed, there was even some snow on the ground!!! It was so nice and relaxing. Then I went running errands with my mom, literally gone with her for 4+ hours. Then came home, showered, activated mom's new cell phone and went out with G and some ladies from work. We went to watch John play, the John Manzi Band. Had lots of drinks and fun... I was even dancing a bit! (I didn't wear my cast)

Woke up late Sunday and laid on the couch napping all morning. I did finally move and run a few errands in the afternoon - Starbucks, Verizon, Old Navy and the car store. When I got back around 3 I napped a little more, dancing one night and not feeling pain means feeling it the next day! Oh well, I was happy to have fun and feel 'normal' for a minute or two.

So nothing too exciting as you can tell. Last week was a busy week with different events or plans every night, this week will be quieter and needed because next week gets busy again!

~xoxo

A Night of Dressing Up, Fun, Drinks, Philanthropy and Me!!!

I had a wonderful evening last night. I was a guest to the William Pynchon Awards to honor a dear friend and mentor, Dr. Carol Leary. She is an amazing woman and deserves the honor. She inspires me to be a better woman.

I got dressed up, put a heel on the left foot and the cast on the right, a gorgeous black shift dress with satin trim and a jeweled neckline, hair was in a sleek bob style and I was ready to dash off for a fun and exciting night of socializing and networking. The dinner honored three recipients all who better the lives of children and education. It made me feel good to be in their company and in the job I am in. It made me think more about how I could be a better person and more involved.

I firmly believe not only was the night about honoring and networking but about realizing getting involved in the community is key. My mind is already spinning as to how I can get involved more and in what organizations I want to be involved with. It is time for this lady to dabble in some philanthropy.

~xoxo

Surgery update

I am sooo excited!!! I scheduled and confirmed my date - January 3rd but at 7:30 in the AM!!! I have to be there at 6:30 and it is about an hour trip!!!! OMG!!!! But then I can start to feel better.

The Cute Trainer Update

Sully is truly a good friend of mine. Today I emailed him when I was so frustrated with some goings on at the gym where I work part time. Not sure I can get some of my classes back when I can come back and that annoyed me. Sully played the role of friend and boss and did it so well I could hardly argue. However, I did go back and forth with him for a while and he sat and listened and took it in an replied honestly. I even went so far at the end to be a bit witchy and say I can get paid more but I don't I like the members I work with. He did tell me to share my honesty with the people irritating me and that I deserve the truth... he is right. His favorite quote he left me with earlier - "Truth can be harsh, but it can be helpful." I do agree 100%.

I do enjoy working with, being friends with and having my butt kicked by Sully. He is a great guy and one of the only ones who have seen me cry, ok get teary eyed!!!

By the way, he says he has deep, dark secrets.... hmm, get him drunk and take advantage??!!! Kidding, kind of! :-)

~xoxo

The pup update

He called and emailed!!! :-)

The Puppy, take 500 (???)

I feel like this saga never ends and when I fold... of course it won't. I folded this weekend. I called the puppy. I left a message apologizing and asked him to call me. I haven't heard from him but I am guessing an email will come my way tomorrow morning. I don't know if he is dating Jess or not...

I called because my friend S.F. as thought bailed on me for Thursday night and I don't know if G is coming. I figured the best one to attend if not her would be the pup. He will wine, dine and socialize with the best of them. He is the male version of me. We can work this room like no one's business and enjoy every minute of it.

He doesn't even know about my foot. Ok, well he does but it was back in August or so the last time he knew. He doesn't know how bad it is and the surgery I need. I don't know why I called except he is the guy I want to entertain with.

He and S.F. are so similar except pup likes socializing and S.F. hates it!!! S.F. is 2 years younger than pup and even the years won't help him be a pup. Pup always loved being the center of attention and always liked being my escort. S.F. would rather crawl in a whole and hide... or so I gather. I always try and get him out in the real world, the one he says he wants to join... but he never wants to. Maybe it is me. I don't mean to be pushy, it is just my nature to try and make things happen...for me, for others, who ever I can help.

Back to pup... what did I do??? Did I do the right thing? Should I have left him alone??? It has been 3 months without him...

The Cute Trainer

To me Sully is the quintessential trainer for a female. He is young, cute, funny, cute, smart and an overall great guy. Oh and did I mention he is my colleague and my pseudo trainer. He is my go to guy when I need my butt kicked into shape (kind of hard at the moment with the foot) or when I need a little diet/food check. He is an all around great guy from the eastern part of Mass. so he has the adorable accent I love and find myself falling back into sometimes.

I know what female wants a cute trainer???!!! Well hello, this is your chance to look cute while working out!!! Ok, let's not go all glam here but you can make sure your attire is matching, hair in almost perfect place and think of all the guys watching you because you are working out with a trainer. And the ladies will be jealous because your trainer is cute. :-)

Sully always makes me smile and laugh. I ran into him when I stopped in the club on Friday for my check. He was heading out to lunch. I suggested we grab some drinks before my surgery. He agreed. Yes, he is cute and yes that could be danger for me as I am single now but we were good the last time we went out... so I think we can both handle being good again. Besides he is one of the guys I would love to have at my bedside when I awake from surgery. He will say I look beautiful no matter how awful I look, be amazed at how chipper I am anytime of day, make me laugh and smile and would even offer to carry me to the car and he just might offer to make me a cocktail of pain meds and wine - in small doses of course... (kidding, kind of)

Anyways, Sully is amazing and I do love him to death. Another reason why I will find it hard to leave the club... that is if I ever move. If you know me, live close by or want a trainer or a gym... let me know!!!

~xoxo

Wrap Up from the Holiday

I hope your holiday weekend did you well; mine did. I got in some extra sleeping, extra eating (oops), visiting with family and lots of relaxing. Today will find me in the crunch of going back to work tomorrow by doing work but at least I feel relaxed and less stressed. I found myself at Starbucks too many times to count this weekend, bought new curtains and lamps for my bedroom which obviously meant cleaning the bedroom, we put up our candles in the windows, and some smaller holiday decorations. I realized this year I won't be out finding our tree, too much walking and the cast can't handle the mud. Maybe I should stay home and bake gingerbread men!!!

This weekend in my mind truly kicks off the Christmas holiday season. Everything feels a little more special and holidayish once Thanksgiving comes and goes. I know we start seeing decorations out at Halloween and yes I did start the holiday music last weekend when I went shopping in the Berkshires but starting the Friday after Thanksgiving I felt more festive. The cars carrying trees are out, the holiday lights starting lighting up the neighborhoods and Bright Nights in Forest Park starts. This is the one time of year I wish we lived in NY state by the lakes where we get lake effect snow - or at least snow flurries more. There is something about the holiday and snow that really gets you in mood.

How did you spend this kick off to Christmas weekend???

~xoxo

Happy Early Thanksgiving

To all my readers... Happy Thanksgiving a day early. I want to make sure the craziness of tomorrow does not aide in my not posting and wishing you all well.

Enjoy your family and friends and travel safe.

~xoxo

(p.s. surgery will be taking place on my ankle after the holiday season...)

Let it Snow...

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow... I am so thrilled to see some snow out my window this morning. I always find it nice to step outside my front door and find a few snow flakes in my hair. Granted I am at work right now but I can see it is snowing a little harder now. There is nothing like the first snow to get you in the holiday mood.

Sorry S.F. for the early snow... I know you wanted it Dec. 22 but this almost always cranky girl needed some cheering up. Besides it won't last for your birthday. Have a change of heart, at least for the next hour or so...

~xoxo

It's Not All About Me...But Isn't It???

I want you to take a minute and really think about the title. I am not trying to be selfish or sound selfish here but really think about it - isn't everything about us??? Think about it we do everything to make us better people, happier, friendlier, prettier, healthier...everything. We try to live by a motto "It's not all about me" but take that motto down a notch or two and it really is all about you. You go to a doctor to make you feel better if you are sick, you donate your time or energy to a good cause or charity because it makes you feel better, you get plastic surgery to make yourself feel or look better, you buy makeup because it helps you look better, younger, and I could go on.

Granted some are more self-centered than others but what we do every day is really in a response to making us feel better. If you have 2 piles of clothes to get rid of - do you throw them away or donate them?? Chances are you donate them because someone else can use them. Why not throw them out - because it makes you feel better thinking someone else could and probably will use them. I am not saying that this is a bad thing, not by any means, but our actions are done because we chose to do them and in choosing so we feel better about ourselves. If you threw those clothes out you would feel guilty about it later on.

I am not conveying that living your life with the "It's All About Me" attitude or motto is the way to go. I truly think that it is selfish to do all the time, but sometimes it is all about you and you do deserve to feel that way. I am working on fixing my foot because it is all about me after all. I want to walk and run again. I want to compete in a road race again, hopefully a marathon but I will settle for a 5k right now.

Really think about this topic over the next few days, especially as the holiday season is knocking down the door. Think about what you do and how it effects you as a person and effects your feelings.

New Foot Update

I am going to see another doctor Wednesday for my foot. He is an ankle/foot and sports surgeon. We will see what he has to say. I am just not sure and I want to be sure to go under the knife.

Foot Update and a lil Retail Therapy (oops)

Everyone has been on pins and needles apparently waiting for the foot update so here it is - surgery is now my option. I have waited 3-5 months for this to be my next step and now that it is here I just don't know. NEOS doesn't think it is nerve related and the doc is comfortable with the surgery now. He wants to do two procedures - excise the bone which means a trite and true cut the ankle and then do an arthroscopic procedure on my talus and remove the cyst that is forming there. I am in a cast for 2 weeks, a boot for 4 weeks and then start PT. He said the recovery is about 6 months. What's another six months??? I now have to decide to move forward and when. There definitely is not a good time for surgery but do I wait for before the holidays, after, during... I just don't know. I think I am going to call the nerve guy tomorrow and see if I can get it soon and see what he says but investigate with work my options as well. I need at least two weeks off and then flex time for PT plus I won't be driving for a while - so I have to be dependent on family and friends again... What to do...

On another note I truly spent the weekend shopping. Thursday was my Friday so I spent some money Thursday night at a jewelry party, went to Lee Friday night with mom and shopped, Evergreen Walk yesterday with mom and nana and bought more and wait for it... today I was at Macy's. Yep four days and shopped every day. But I bought some jewelry, wide leg jeans, some sweaters, some works clothes... I think I covered all bases and I didn't spend all my money either. Ok so I forgot the shoes and pocketbooks but I can't wear lots of shoes and well I have lots of bags right now... :-)

Oh yeah, some of the clothes I bought were bought with impending surgery and needed comfort in mind... think I am subconsciously telling myself something??? I know in my heart or I did know that it needed to be done and if I compare my foot to my arm when I had some nerve issues there, my foot doesn't feel the same. My foot hurts more than my arm and I mean hurt... could I just be a little scared???? I wish it was a cut and dry thing...

A Sigh of Relief

You know that feeling when you finish a "huge" project at work... well that is me, I have it. I have a minor piece left actually but it will be nothing compared to what I spent the last month doing. It should have been an "all hands on deck" project but it wasn't. I could complain but why at this point. I left here late last night but after a good conversation with a mentor of mine - he gave me some good ideas and then I went out for a glass (ok 2) of wine. It is the first time in a while I truly felt like having a drink.

Now on to my next project - figuring out what my boss really wants me to do (should I be worried when she has NO idea??!!!) and figuring out my next big move. The questions that come into play with my move are do I stay here, I like Colorado and all it has to offer and skiing but do I want that year round, do I want a warmer climate and which coast, and lastly do I stay in education or go back into PR. I am leaning more towards PR and guess what... I want to get back into teaching at a college level - adjunct, but still back to teaching. It is starting to come together and I am realizing I don't need my answer tomorrow, although it would be nice.

~xoxo

Snow

Don't yell at me but yesterday I wanted nothing more than for it to snow. It felt like the perfect day and it was clouded over, that chill was in the air... All you New Englanders or snow lovers know exactly what I mean. I am the last person I expected to say that but when it feels right, sometimes it just feels right.

So let it snow... ok maybe until birthdays finish up this month - so after November 23.

Friends and Smiles

I am going to get all sappy here but sometimes all you need is a good friend to put a smile on your face. Of course it makes it more fun and interesting when you are giving them hand signal directions while they are driving because you are giving them the silent treatment. Ladies... it can be done, I did it last night. Although the silent treatment I gave was in pure fun and wasn't meant to be true. But I have to give my friend lots of credit for trying to get me to crack. I lasted about 15 minutes - me quiet for 15 minutes and I was awake and alive... I know!!!! :-) He tried lumping Red Sox fans into certain categories, women into categories - actually said women nag, etc. I finally broke my silence and was like - "I don't nag!!!" He did very well at trying to crack me and trying to be silent right back but in the long run - neither of us could do it.

For a few brief hours last night I had something to do which meant something to look forward to and someone to spend time with who at the end of our time together made sure I had a smile on my face, whether he meant to or not. It is friends like those, male or female, you want in life. Someone who can with the stupidest thing make you laugh or smile.

This foot thing has really changed me as a person and not for the better, slightly for the worse. I am not the same outgoing, bucket of fun I used to be. Getting dressed to go out these days is a struggle. I always have to plan around a big 'ol boot. So no jeans - only comfy, cozy pants or dressier pants. Then that leads me to wondering which shoe group I am going to wear - sneakers or clogs, and finally what on top. Just dealing with that every day stresses me out. And if I go out and spend the day somewhere be prepared for a tired girl later on. I am just not the same person but when someone like my friend can manage to put up with me for a few hours and make me smile helps me get through another day.

On the flip side, back to the doctors on Friday and maybe a little shopping with this same friend this weekend!

Family

This seems to be the topic of the weekend. This weekend found a friend's relative in the hospital, my great, great aunt in the hospital, my sister annoying the heck out of me with her bratty attitude, my "brother" in town, time with friends and then what I consider the "whole" family at dinner tonight.

As much as siblings annoy me some days it was nice to sit down and share a meal with my sister and her husband, my "brother," my parents, my nana and aunt. Aunt Anne was late as usual but it was still a family dinner. We were celebrating my dad's and my birthdays as a family. So it was especially nice to have Caleb in town. I miss him but it looks like he may be moving back to town and buying a house or a condo. I hope he is doing this because it is what he wants, not what he feels he needs to do. All in all, it will be nice to have him around.

After dinner and cake as we are cleaning up the power went out. Apparently it was out for blocks and blocks so you could find the Chapell family cleaning up in candlelight and then hanging around the family room talking and catching up. Something we haven't done in years. It was nice.

Whether it is close family, distant family, friends, anyone who you call family it is always nice to spend time with them and put differences or feelings aside and come back to the central emotion at hand - love for your 'family'. Through thick or thin, they will always be there for you. And sometimes the best times are spent talking and laughing even when the lights go out.

Horoscope update

Remember my postings from earlier in the week on how on target my horoscope was that day??? Well, here is what mine says today...

It's all coming back -- your good energy is amazing even you. Even if you've been down in the dumps or took a fall recently, you should find yourself almost all the way back to where you were by the end of the day. (Astrology.com)

I agree with this 100%. I have taken on a new philosophy to try and get over the madness at work and find the me I once new - happy, outgoing, friendly, always smiling - the light in your day. That person changed to a grumpier version but I decided to focus back on me and focus on smiling more and meaning it. I am trying to smile so much that my liver smiles. It is working and I feel more of myself again. Maybe it is my birthday getting to me, maybe it is me trying harder or maybe I am just ready to let go of the madness but I am ready for whatever positive change is occurring and I am happy about it. Keep it coming I say!

Happy Birthday

I am being selfish...but for a good reason... today is my BIRTHDAY!!!! And I put on one heel (matches the height of my boot, don't worry) because I wanted to feel good and look good too! It's been a long time since I felt this happy!!! :-)

Freaky, part 2

Update on my prior post about my horoscope. Today really and truly was a marathon in more ways than one. I woke up and left the house at 4:45 a.m. and didn't come back home until 7:30 p.m. The project at work I was working on didn't complete itself 10o% so we had to scrap it and start from step 1 today. But because I keep all documentation on issues I am able to cut down checking/processing time. All this and still managing to come home looking beautiful - changed the hair color today. How do you feel about chocolate brown??? :-)

Night 'all, almost my bedtime.

Freaky...

Too good not to post now....

My horoscope for the day - How true it is!!!

Daily Overview for November 06, 2007
Provided by Astrology.com
Quickie:Eat a really good breakfast, because this day will be quite a marathon!

What doesn't kill you...

...makes you stronger. If this is true where did my strength go??? I went to open a door Saturday in the Natick Mall parking garage and almost didn't open it!! With all the stress and craziness at work lately I should be as strong as a super body builder.

By the way, who came up with the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" And, I know it wasn't Kayne West but I do like the song.

Birthdays

Once upon a time my birthday was the greatest day on earth. I lived for it all year...just like Christmas. Somehow I noticed the past two years the fun of my birthday is slipping. Funny because I thought once you turned twenty-five your relationship with your parents improves, meaning you get them and their actions more, your sense of the world changes and you look at things more widely now but never did I think my favorite day would change. I used to start the 6 month countdown on May 8th and then Tara's birthday was August 8th, three months before. Now... no such thing. The only thing I am planning is my 30th birthday cake which HAS to come from Party Favors in Brookline.

That is my favorite bakery and if someone loves me enough they know how to make me happy. (When I lived in Boston, my friends and I stopped in every Friday to pick up cupcakes for our office... a great job and great food...loved it!!)

Anyways, my birthday is coming up and in some ways it makes me sad. It makes me realize I am still living in my parent's house and I am single with no prospects. Ok, ok I know. In almost all respects I am happy with that part of my life but being a female, I have to admit while I may not be ready to settle down I do miss the friendship, companionship, closeness. Part of me is also cranky because with my foot in the shape it is in, I don't feel like I can dress up and have a good time. :-(

Oh well, another year almost gone and another one about to start... too bad I am going into it alone... no plans, no two good feet. Just me, my dog, my parents and oh yeah my favorite spot on the couch. I guess it could be worse!

(My Cake...)

Checking In

I know it has been a few days since my last post...sorry work has been crazy. Speaking of work...how do you feel when people check in on you 24/7, or so it feels. Most people I know don't like to be micro-managed including myself. Especially when a prior boss let you do what you want/need within constraints. It isn't fun when someone calls you every hour to see where you are or wants you to email and update every step of the process. I know what I do and what you do is important but sometimes we can do our jobs faster if you leave us alone!!! It takes time to send an email or answer a call. If there is something you want us to do, fine email or call but don't keep checking in.

A good leader/manager can walk away and trust his/her employees. They build their employees confidence by loosening the reins a little and trusting them. When the trust is broken I understand it is necessary to pull that person back in but it shows a true leader who has faith in his/her employees to let them do their jobs. Someone who isn't confident in themselves and their abilities is someone who is a micro-manager and needs to know everything about everyone at any moment. It shows they are not comfortable in their own skin/position.

If you are one of those micro-managers, how would you feel if your boss checked in on you 24/7. Not great right as it takes away from your job on checking in on everyone and whatever else you have to do.

Loosen the reigns a little... you may be surprised.

The Big Win

They did it!!!! The Red Sox won their second World Series in 4 years! I watched every single game, trying not to fall asleep during and finally wide eyed last night during the big win. There were times the eyes were closed, the blanket was over my eyes...anything to shield from the fact if they lost. At one point I took my shoe of my right foot and the pitching was going slightly down hill from Okajima, so the shoe went back on and guess what... a win!

This makes you think... with teamwork anything can happen. The Red Sox spent the past few years building a great team. They built up their pitching staff, their batters and continued to work on team development and that did it. And guess what, they team is a young team so hopefully more years to come... The key is for them not to get cocky and while I don't foresee that happening with these guys, you never know.

It makes me think about my own department... all new, young and naive with a few veterans. One who wants nothing more in the world than to kiss every one's ass to try and make it to the top and the other (me) who works damn hard to keep her department and the reputation it built afloat. If we could just find it in all of us to work as a team, not every one for themselves to make a team we might actually get along and do better. Here's to a little faith!

Ian

Ian is getting married tomorrow!! Good luck Ian and congratulations. I am happy for you and happy you finally found the one for you. We went through so much together and our relationships and I am happy to hear things obviously worked with Sarah. Have a blast and enjoy...hope the weather holds out for you.

Always your old but good friend,
Kristina :-)

Foot Update

So mom came with me to the Boston doc. He didn't say too much. He doesn't think my issue is 100% my extra bone. He thinks it could also be some nerve and reflex symptomatic dystrophy issue (????). I have to see a neurologist (don't it kind of sound like a head doctor??) and get a few tests done. He is in agreement with my doctors out here and still has me in a boot!!!! OMG!!!

Mom and I went to the Cheesecake Factory after for lunch and I saw Jason Varitek - yep... my guy JV. I said hi to him and his two little daughters, wished him good luck and boy that made my day!! Then we went to the new Natick Mall and boy was that fun. I found a shoe for my left foot - $125 though. I will get it next week - pay week. Why not now you ask... well I spent $250 at Coldwater Creek on two pair of pants that fit with my boot on - yeah no more rolling up pant legs or capris, a skirt, a sweater and the cutest bell sleeve jacket.

Back to the foot... I have to call tomorrow and schedule more appts. and tests - fun!!!!!!!! :-) Looks like one foot is ready for ski season! Thanks for all your love and support.

When did I grow up?

Did you ever wake up one morning and wonder when did I grow up? That happened to me today. We all know even though I get up early and go to the gym (even with the foot) I still manage to work on auto pilot in the AM. By the time things started to go haywire at work I asked myself when did I grow up? Seriously it is like we wake up one day and we are older, in the working world and dealing with the troubles of the day.


It is days like this when I don't want to be old. I want to be young again when the day's mysteries were who I was going to play with, what 4 + 4 equaled, who was dating who and so on. The clothing factor, what am I going to wear today happened then and still happens now. :-) When did people start demanding things from me, wanting me to make their lack of planning my emergencies????

In 8th grade we can't wait to go to high school. In high school we can't wait for college. In college we have a blast but we can't wait to have a 'real' job. Once we have that real job we want another because we don't like what we have or we go from being a peon to wanting to be director, manager, president in 5 weeks. We always want to move up to the next level and like yesterday, not tomorrow. We want more and more and more until some day things happen and you say "omg, when did I grow up and how did I get here???"

WORK

I don't want to do this anymore. I miss the days when I loved my job and didn't feel like a mack truck hit me before 10 a.m. Seriously what the hell???!!!

Wednesdays

When I started thinking about writing this post I wanted it to be philosophical and have some meaning. Now that I am writing it I really have no clue what I want to say to sound good! ;-)

My boss stopped at my desk earlier and in her trying to be nice fashion said I hate Wednesdays. The more I thought about this statement the more I think I might hate them too. Really what is the point of a Wednesday. It is typically known as hump day in a clean context... What a "name" for a day - hump day. It means it is the middle day and you passed two days and you have two left to go. I never used this term until I found myself settling into a job that I like and don't like all at the same time. I never used the term in college but then again going to college is not like the real world. I worked my way through college at Dana Farber Cancer Inst. but I loved what I did and never worried about what day of the week it was.

At what point do we start counting the days as they pass? Is it because we are in jobs we don't love? If we were in a job we love would the time and days fly by and it wouldn't matter to you? If I try and answer this myself and look back on the last job I had when I was truly happy I would have to say it was 5-3 years ago. I loved my job, my team and my whole office. In fact they made me cry at my goodbye party and made me cry again this weekend when I went through all the goodbye cards I had tucked away to clean. I don't remember thinking - "gee, it is Wednesday." Maybe I did but I don't think I did it every week. I didn't cringe walking into the building, heck I didn't mind walking 1/4 mile every day from my car to the building even in snow and freezing cold temps.

I think if we all look back on a time when we were happy with the jobs we had Wednesdays weren't so bad after all. How did we let ourselves get this way??

Sundays in Fall

Picture this, a cool 57 degrees and partly sunny. Football on the TV and chili cooking on the stove. By 4:15 chili is almost done and the NE Patriots are on. Somewhere around 6 p.m. the cornbread is done, the chili is ready, the fire pit is going, the Pats are still on - first winning, then losing, back to winning, and all is calm at the homestead as we enjoy the perfect fall meal for the prefect fall, football Sunday.

As prim and proper some think I can be I am all about football on the weekends. And the BC/Notre Dame game on Saturday... oh yeah and I can do windows too! ;-)

Lipstick and Lead??

Just when you think it is safe... lead has been found in yep, you guessed it our lipsticks. Take a look at Boston.com and see if any color you wear is affected.

Want Ads

-By The Honey Cone and how I feel!

Wanted, young man single and free

Experience in love preferred, But will accept a young trainee

Oh I'm gonna put it in the want ads,

I need a love that's true

Out of the blue

Do you ever wonder why a friend of yours who you haven't heard from in a while just pops out of the blue again. You don't talk for months, not because you had a fight or something but for whatever reason they fall off the planet and now they find their way back. That happened to me this week on a few occasions - very weird! They all tell me about updates in their lives, a problem, an issue but no one really seemed to look for help or or really wanted any...strange huh? Why bother calling me then I say! Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed talking to a few people but why do you think they called? Could they have missed me that much? :-)

Marathons

Before I skipped town for the rest of the weekend I brought my best friend Sara to the airport this morning. She is heading to Kona to compete in the Iron Man World Championships. Yep, you read right - the big race of them all - Iron Man. She is my friend who kicks ass! Ok, all my friends do but she literally can kick ass. :-)

She was my inspiration to start running. She inspired me and my great-gram motivated me through her struggles. Watching Sara makes it look so effortless and in all reality it isn't. To train for any race takes dedication and practice. Me being me was like "ok, so let's do it"...the same mentality I have for everything. The 150 mile bike ride I did one month after a marathon - yep, same mentality. There was never much training to be done... ok, that is a lie. I think for months I didn't drink much but I certainly pushed myself in a small capacity of time and I did have muscle strains and pains. I did have a team of therapists (physical, although I could probably have needed some mental too) and a few massage therapists who helped me stay flexible throughout.

Sara's constant motivation and friendship kept me going. I felt knowledgeable about everything with the human body and it made me happy. Then came a stupid crash on my bike - Sara said if there was no blood then it isn't considered a real crash! Well my arm didn't listen because I did damage the nerves slightly and that took some recovery time and just as I started running more and prepping to run yet another marathon - this stupid foot thing happens and lays me up for over 5 months now. It didn't kill me so much this summer in the heat and humidity to not run but to see the cross country teams run and hear about marathons, see neighbors out running and to drop Sara off at the airport to compete in the biggest race of any one's lives, kills me. I am not a super runner, but I am a decent runner - someone who wants to get better and is always willing to try new things and now she can't. She is at the mercy of her foot and the doctors. This journey I am on feels like a marathon but I tell you this... you can't be Sara's friend and give up and that I will not do. I will run again and I will bike again and someday I will suck it up an learn to swim the competitive way. I may never be an Iron Man champion or even competitor but I am certainly my own champion and my own hero and I have Sara to thank for that.

Sara - kick ass next Saturday in Kona. We all love you and are praying and cheering for you. May the wind be at your back, the lava fields not so hot and may your grandpa be up there in that blue sky guiding you along through the swim, the bike and the run. You deserve this more than anyone I know.

p.s. going to Boston on Oct. 25th to see a specialist there. My next option here is very invasive surgery and the doc isn't sure that will fix me... I am not so angry at him after he told me about the surgery and I can't blame him. The recovery is a marathon in itself.

Eat, Pray, Love

I am reading this new book by Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love. It is about her journey in finding out who she really is after a divorce. It is amazing (not quite done). It talks about her year journey abroad in Italy, India and finally Bali.

I am not done yet but I watched her today on Oprah. I just love the book and had to watch. I found out her happy ending, that she found love again, but I am still intrigued to finish it. She goes on the most amazing journey and some things they talked about on the show reinforced what I read.

• Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone should be. Meaning, stop wishing for things to happen - make them happen.
• I don't need to go on a year long journey to exotic places (though it would be nice) to find myself. I can start asking myself the questions anywhere and allow myself to listen in.
• I too have a hard time being in my own skin... might be because of my miscarriage many years ago, my loss of trust towards many, my own expectations of myself - all debilitating things for one psyche.

At the end of the show Elizabeth shared her thoughts on how each of us can take our own spiritual journey.

• Start a journal and answer this question every morning: What do I really, really, really want? "You have to say really, really, really three times or else you don't believe it. And answer it truthfully and do it again the next day and the next and the next," she says. "Because you can't set your journey if you don't know what you're for."
• Write down the happiest moment of every day in a happiness journal. "It's a way of reminding myself what really makes me happy and what doesn't," she says, "and learn and study and look back and see what is it consistently."
• Refine your mantra. "I say refine, not choose, because we all actually already have a mantra. We just might not realize that we do. Whatever you repeat constantly in your head is your mantra whether you know it or not, and that is leading you on your way," she says. "So if you're repeating, 'I'm a moron, I'm an idiot, I'm a failure, I'm a jerk, I'm a loser,' it's your mantra. So decide whether that's working for you. … Maybe it's not and then maybe you might want to choose a different thing to try to say whenever you remember that you're thinking what you're always doing."

Take from Oprah.com

Love Affair update...

... from afar I watched Pizza Guy from the car when we went to pick up dinner tonight... :-) I also want to know who the cute cop was while I was there!

A new love affair

I have a new love affair... with my pizza guy. I also go to the same grinder/pizza shop and over the past few years became acquantances with the pizza guy. He is younger than me. We met at the shop but we were both in PT together 3 years ago - me for me knee, him for his shoulder. One afternoon we were both working hard and realized we knew each other. So every time I come in, and I almost always go, we chat about our latest injuries and aches and pains, any PT appointments, etc.

It is sad because I look forward to going to the pizza shop, I really do. This young guy inflates my slightly deflated ego - cast and all. Always intent, always listening, somewhat drops his "pizza making" to spark up conversation or drops what he is doing to get my order. A simple 5 minute in and out trip can sometimes be 10 minutes or longer just so we can chat.

In three weeks I have gone there 4 or 5 times, either it has been too hot to cook or just didn't want too, but there are other take out places you know! :-)

Ouch

How awful is it when someone says to you "Are you feeling ok? You don't look ok?" The answer to that question is no I am not feeling ok. My foot is about the size of my two feet put together right now and it hurts, my tummy is a little achy and to top it off I took a stress test today (online version) and it said my stress levels are off the chart, also known as, highly stressed and close to a breaking point. I wish I could feel better or say that when I go home and not open my laptop I feel ok but I can't. The anxiety, stress, and anything else is getting to me. I have never been in such a bad spot and that includes when I worked full time at MM and went to grad school.

I think the being thrown into everything at work is getting to me. I have finally learned not to always open my laptop up at home even if I drag it there but work is never far behind. Always worrying that everything is going to get done and the right people are "getting it." Sadly, I know this isn't happening and not only do I have to worry about it but I have to do it.

If you work with me and read this over the next few days you will know I am not going to be in. I am taking some mental health days and hopefully letting people realize it isn't all about me running this department but I also have to take the time and deal with my foot and the doctors. I wish while I am away I can forget about work but I don't foresee that happening either. I can almost guarantee a phone call or two.

For some reason I have the weight of the world on my right now and I want to just run away and forget about the world!!!

The hardest things I have to do

Last night and today I have realized the hardest things I need to do. I need to say goodbye to Ian who is getting married soon and to Chris as well. Ian because as I said, he is getting married and it truly isn't all about me anymore and to Chris who I tried to use as a void for Ian but he couldn't fill that void because as much as he cares for me I am not that important to him.

So today I sent Chris an email. I hated to do the email but I know it is the only way to reach him right now. I said I have to cut my ties with him because it is unfair of me to expect things from him he wasn't capable of doing or frankly knew I wanted him to do. I told him I love him and always will but I am not in love with him. I said we either needs to define us as friends and what kind of friends or suck it up and try dating and see how that goes. Any which way we need a definition to who we are as a "couple" and we need to stick by it. Problem is Chris is still trying to grow up and any type of definition is hard for him...or so I think.

As for Ian, I haven't emailed him yet so maybe he will read this first, which isn't my intention but I need to cut him off too. I am just afraid of the upcoming for all of us. I know when his wedding day arrives I will have an issue, sorry Ian. I will because for so long Ian was the guy for me who listened, offered advice, watched TV with - everything. We finished each other's sentences and while his life didn't revolved around me in some ways it did and vice versa. I was his go to girl and he was my go to guy. We had some issues these past few years but I never thought I would truly be replaced, stupid me, and so soon. I am happy for him and for her because she is getting an amazing guy. I also wanted to send a wedding gift but now I know I can't because this time is all about her, not about me. Plus after he gets married at the end of this month we will have even more limited contact now because it will truly be all about her now.

So I have come to the time in my life when I have to realize it is not all about me, it can't be. I also need to let go of those I love for all of us to be better off and for the first time in a long time I feel truly alone. I know I have some true friends out there but Ian and Chris were in my life the longest and they are my guys friends too and those are always hard to come by.

So for now, farewell to both Ian and Chris. I love you both dearly and more than words can describe. Only time will tell how and if we enter our lives again but something inside me keeps the faith. Much love, K

I call it "doing a service"

While I am spending my Sunday afternoon with my dog and the TV remote to watch all possible football games we can today I find myself reflecting on last night's outing. A few friends and I went to Noho last night to watch our friends John and Allan play in their band. It was a new bar, never been there before - a bit of a whole in the wall but oh boy was the bartender cute. Here I am in my cast, wide leg jean capris and a good cleavage showing top.

I finally meet Marc when he gets my second Keno ticket going. We definitely flirt and he is definitely looking at what I sometimes refer to as my assets. I am learning as I get older to use what I have to my benefit because as much as we hate to admit it, even us girls know most times it is all about the boobs! It's ok and I can't blame a guy for thinking that. Every guy has their own preference but some openly admit they can make a difference and they can for us too!

So as Marc and I continue to flirt, some of the guys there including Allan, say it's all about the boobs...show the cleavage. I agree and I certainly was showing some. Marc and I flirt, he gets a little foot stool for me to rest my foot on (caring), he helps me win at Keno but then I also lose..., all in all we flirt away and soon I know his middle name, he played lacrosse in college, etc. You can catch him staring on occasion at me, some of his friends looking over, the other bartender... it is all good as far as I am concerned. Even if I don't hear from or see Marc again, who cares. It was fun flirting and having someone steal a look on occasion.

As I explained it I was doing a service. Maybe Marc or his friends, or the older guy who came up next to me to order his beer and look over were having a bad day, night, life, anything and by looking at what was peeping out of my shirt or what you could obviously tell was under my shirt helped put them in a good mood even for a split second... I am glad. I am doing them a service.

Will I ever be so distasteful with my boobs that I wear something so low you can truly see what belongs to me - no. Would I ever flash them - hey is has been done before one random, drunk St. Patty's day night at my bar...couldn't help that but flashing in general would depend on the situation...not 100% opposed. Will I continue to wear something low cut when I go out to a bar with the girls or with a guy - yea why not. I am not making my boobs the focus of everyones attention or what I want to be remembered for but I am not afraid to use them (out for fun or at work) a bit to help sway someones decision making a little bit or make someones day just a little bit.

There is a little saying out there that goes like this "be proud of what your mama gave you" and after many years I am. I am proud of them and happy to "provide a service" any time I can.

Decisions!!!

How many decisions do you make a day??? Have you ever thought how many you make from the time you get of bed in the AM until the time you go to work? Here is my list.
1. Should I lie in bed a few more minutes?
2. Should I hit the snooze button if I lie in bed?
3. What shower gel and shampoo am I going to use today?
4. What am I going to wear?
5. What bra and panties do I wear based on the outfit I picked?
6. (Still in my cast so...)What color flip flop for my other foot, brown or black?
7. Should I straighten my hair or let it go natural?
8. If I straighten it should I curl the front a little?
9. What color lipstick and blush?
10. What should I pack for breakfast and lunch?
11. What else am I missing before I walk out the door?
12. Where do I go - Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks?
13. Which route do I take?
14. Do I want tea or coffee?
15. If I have coffee do I want it hot or cold?


That is all to just get my coffee in the AM and head to work and I might have even left a thing or two out!!! Sometimes the dressing, hair and makeup decisions are down the night before so I can wake up and go straight to the gym before work.

Think about it... what do you think of in the morning...really think of it!!!

Stress

Help??!!! What do you do for stress??? I have been so out of my mind with stress lately due to my job. People have changed, roles have changed, attitudes are ever changing and trust is far from anywhere to be seen. I, still with my bad leg, have seen some weight creep up (darn that Cortisol hormone) and seen an increase in my drinking. I would normally go for a 5-10 mile run or bike 20+ plus miles, sometimes even yoga. But with none of those being options right now I have turned to drinking, not so much food. In fact I skipped a coffee at Dunkin' yesterday on my ride home for fear of getting a donut too so I opted to go buy a BIG bottle of white wine and go home and have a glass with dinner. Yum!

Seriously though, short of changing my job (which I am looking to do), how do you unwind not so physically??

New Addiction

OMG... I can't beleive I am admitting this to the public, outside my gals, but my new fav show is Gossip Girl on the WB. A little more exciting than the OC and for me a little more addicting. Happy Gossiping! (On Wednesday nights and reruns on Sundays).

It's Fall

Like the beginning of school fall means a new beginning too. It officially kicks off apple season, watching football feels better on cool nights than on warm evenings, getting cozy in a warm sweater of fleece by the bonfire with friends and good drinks just seems better. Today could have been spent on the boat however and if it wasn't for family that is where I would have been. Instead family came out for the Big E, oh yeah another New England "fall" thing, so we socialized for a bit before they headed out.

Fall also is host to a lot of fundraisers. There were diabetes and Iron Man fundraisers I made my way to this weekend, every market I seemed to go to today had school children selling candy or sports teams doing the same, more golf tournaments for a good cause, bake-a-thons, and the usual road races and marathons for a good cause. The latter leaves me yearning for the day when I can run again. It has been over four months since I last ran or even walked 1 mile and I am telling you I don't know what I will do first when my ankle ever gets better. This is the perfect time of year to run and I can't enjoy it. Spring is nice to run in, the sun rises earlier and those early morning runs are nice because you feel like you are waking up with the rest of the world but the crisp feeling of fall seems to help you run a little faster.

Oh yeah, Fall is also the beginning of the next wedding year. It seems as if it runs from fall to summer, not the traditional January to December year or June to July like fiscal years but it seems to follow a school year and Fall is now back to being the biggest wedding season ever.

Lastly, Fall is a time to start decorating your house. This starts the season of chotchkees in and out of your house and this season doesn't end until Easter. Think of it you start with fall and then that turns into Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day and then finally Easter. Maybe even a few others I don't know too much about because I don't celebrate them. But after Easter we get a reprieve for a few months. Fall also starts the cooler and eventually colder weather settling in if you leave in a climate that deems that weather. If you are like my cousin in Florida - you are lucky!!!

Fall is a good season - not my favorite but a good season. I like the crisp feel in the air though I soon long for those warm days and nights but I won't complain too much about snuggling up in cute sweaters. Maybe someday I can wear cute pants too but darn that cast of mine. Fall also means for me another season wasting away. It's so hard for me being an active person to have to succumb to this darn foot and cast. However I am finding my motivation again this Fall and going back to the gym - the goal is 4 mornings a week. I needed a swift kick in the butt and thanks to Fall I am going to do it!

(btw - the weekend was a busy one, but not overly eventful)

Happy Fall everyone! :-)

Narrowing the Field...

OMG... I finally did it!!! Ok, no I didn't get enggaged, elope or married but I did start to narrow my "men" field. Has anyone ever asked you "what is your type?" I get asked that a lot from friends as they try and think of friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc. that they can set me up with. I can honestly say I didn't think I had a type. Everyone I have dated in the past few years are all so different, no line up would be able to help you see similarities - promise.

I did think today more about my type and what really is it about mr. blind date I dind't like. Was it really his height? Bothersome yes, but the real reason?? Not sure but what I wasn't overly thrilled with - he has facial hair...like a gotee. I have never dated a guy with facial hair - insert narrowing the field! I definitely like my guys with a little scruff if they haven't shaved in a few days but facial hair... I don't think it is me. At this point I want to shout out to my friend M.E. who just today learned about this blog... Hi! Now M.E. has facial hair but don't think I am dissing him - I like M.E. - he keeps things fun. But here is the key, and no offense here, I like M.E. I don't want to date M.E. But if I ever wanted to - he has the height thing going for him so that scores him points!

While you might not think my facial hair discovery is huge, it is for me because I can now tell people - no facial hair. See I was willing to give last blind date guy a chance... he wasn't 100% worthy but I gave it a shot because I didn't want to seem snotty or picky. So what was the difference between the two - well the first guy had no facial hair, taller (yes), wasn't as overwhelming at first, but again - no facial hair! And when it is a dark brown/black... OK, I am going to bite my tongue now becuase even my brother-in-law has a little gotee...but again more of a scruffy look...and I still like him.

How do you feel about facial hair? (One bad make-out session back in college ruined it for me!)

Friends

There was a post I read today in the Glamour Blogs - my newest fav - Storked. In this blog Chrissy just had a baby. She is my age and her life has turned a little upside down but in a new, good way. She touches on a topic though that we all learn to value and appreciate in our toughest times... friends. We have days when we want to be alone and are content in hitting the silent button on our phone when we take that nice long ride but there are times when a friend, good glass of wine, some reruns of Sex & the City or Gilmore Girls, the Hills, Grey's Anatomy or any other show comes in handy. Drinking, relaxing and gossiping with a friend or a few friends just makes everything at ease.

I miss that. I have some good friends but the one friend I did this with all the time was Tara. Tara now lives six hours away in New York. She has a busy yet good job and a great guy. Her life is falling into place and mine is shattering slightly. It's being held together by threads some days. Regardless she was the girl I would drink with and always get into some little trouble (good trouble) with. We would cook dinner and drink wine, drink wine and snack, watch TV, chat and drink wine... come to think of it wine was a staple in most everything we did - I think the only time we did something not involving wine was shopping at Ann Taylor or when at Starbucks!

Tara helped me feel good again and make me feel better on a bad day and vice versa. When you are down you turn to your friends for a little lift and they certianly lift you.

Thanks Chrissy for making me remember the good times Tara and I had. We talk every day but it isn't the same and I miss that sometimes but your post made me think of those good times and the memories are good enough to get me through (with some wine of course!). :-)

Who are your friends you turn to in times of a little recharge?

Blind Date

You have all been emailing me waiting for this update. I apologize it wasn't sooner - life has been crazy.

The date was ok. G and I spent the day shopping for the right sweater to go with my dress and then the right jewelry and for her the right whatever she wanted! I came home, took a mini nap and then showered and got ready. It was cool so I opted for black pants and a black sleeveless top and the new sweater. G picked me up, we picked up her man and then on our way to get my date for the night. He has two HUGE dogs. He got them settled and off to dinner we went.

He is nice. A little shorter than me (bummer), mid 30's, owns his own house and company - so settled. The limited conversation we had - most of it involved our friends, etc. he seemed decent. However he did feed me bites of his food, talk about future plans for the 4 of us and wanting to go to sporting events, etc. I know...not all harmless but was a bit "too much" for me because he seems like the guy who would three days later call and say he has front row tickets to a game.

Sunday G dropped me off flowers from him. Guess he got them Saturday but in the haste of trying to settle his dogs, etc. he "forgot." Nice flowers - expensive! I know I should be happy...he is nice and everything was nice but it was a little overwhelming for me. He has called me a few times since but we haven't connected much. I need to tell him to back off a bit.

I feel guilty about how I feel but I am entitled to my feelings. Will I give him another shot - sure but I can't say I see much of a future with him.

Cast or No Cast... That is the Question.

I have a blind date Saturday night. G and her bf are setting me up with their friend. Yes, I trust them to set me up again. The question came up though, are you wearing your cast?? My inclination is no, don't wear it but I am also afriad not to. Remember, it isn't the prettiest thing to wear. If I don't wear it I am limited to a certain shoe though - flip flops and low one too, not ones with height. Trust me I wish I could wear a shoe on it...the UGGS won't even fit!!!! (I know trauma!!!)

So the question goes out to you, should I go without? And be honest. Can I go without, sure. Will it eventually cause some pain - most definitely and I can't take a pain pill until I go home so I can sleep. Why me??? Why now??? (ok, this is the most traumatic thing in my life right now so let me complain a little. I know it is not life threatening but still...)

Love

"All I want to do is fall in love" spoken so eloquently by Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. Those words can't be any truer to how I feel, that is all I want. Is it so wrong to want to fall in love?? To find that guy who makes me happy, makes me smile when I am mad, helps me laugh at myself, hugs me when I need it, makes me cry, is willing to hold my shopping bags and can deal with my family?? Ok being nice, respectful, honest and caring are good too, hard worker, dedicated, driven helps as well.

There was a time growing up I thought I would marry my best friend... when you think of it, how many male best friends have you had that you didn't marry?? I can think of three. I think someone who is or can be your best friend is still a good way to go, they know you inside and out and can finish your sentence and if you marry someone who isn't and if you remain friends with your friend, jealousy may ensue. I pictured being married by 26 and a few kids by 30. Well I am 26 and not married and honestly ok with that.

It is funny to look back on what you want when you are a kid. I am much better at being me than being a married me. By the time I settle down I know I will be ready. I will know exactly what I want and I won't have to say "what if" (ok, I hope). I will be better able to walk into a marriage knowing who I am as a person and not willing to compromise. So my life plan I had when I was 12 isn't the journey I am on now. Somewhere along the line work came first and for that I am thankful - new journeys and struggles make me stronger. With each new journey leads me down a new path which I know will lead me to settling down with the person I am meant to settle with. Question is where do I find him? What path do I go down? (Funny how we always want the answers even when we aren't supposed to be looking!)

So in the words of Carrie Bradshaw "All I want to do is fall in love" but right now I am pretty content with me.

Keep on Blogging

When someone starts a blog it is for various reasons. Some start it to stay in touch with family and friends because they move around or the respectives move, others to write about something they are passionate about - shopping, fashion, games, books, etc. and lastly others do it for the heck of it (I guess). I wrote mine for two reasons - I was asked to document my crazy dating life by people in my spin classes and second it was a good way for my friends who aren't so close anymore to keep tabs on what they used to be my "wing women" for. It since has turned into something I can use to solicit opinions, complain about work, share thoughts and ideas and in general express myself. When you write for a specific audience and make it public on the web, you think "some other people might read this to" but you don't let that bother you. We all have similar issues, so you start thinking "I hope people get this or can relate." I got a comment on one of my previous posts from someone I do not know who said they like reading my blog. That made me feel good about what I am doing. It was never intended to be this "big" thing but being a writer I love this and find it is a great way to document all life has to dish out at you - the good, bad and in between. I am definitely a "doer" meaning I need to try things - failing or succeeding at them - in order to get it. So it is nice when someone says what you are doing is good, even if it isn't who you initially had in mind.

So, for those of you who read this - thank you! I hope my writing has resonated with you in some way to keep you coming back. As the public relations/marketing mind in me if you too have a blog, I would be more than happy to promote it on my site, as long as it is not offensive to anyone.

Keep on reading and enjoy.

Dating Tip

The original idea for this blog was to discuss my dating life... right now becuase of my foot it is a little lacking right now but I came across a good tip for everyone and I promise to try and remember it myself. Do Not go on a blind date with a new guy in a hotel bar. Even if it is classy and chic. You don't want to have a good time, drink too much and let him convince you to go upstairs.

And I move on...

September has come and reared it's ugly head. I officially know it is time for a change. A new spinning director started at my gym and he is taking away my Tuesday night class for me to have a chance to "rehab" my ankle but he can't say when I will get it back. That's crock of bull - his three friends take my class and that is why he is taking it over. Sense some bitterness???

On a different note, last week was extremely busy for me with work, working late into the evening at the office and home and then coming in early. Friday I was able to leave here at 5:30 and be done with odd hours for a while. Saturday found me teaching a class at the club, doing a little grocery shopping, running errands with mom, shopping with Gina in which I agreed to another set-up so that is this coming weekend and then dinner with nana. After dinner I came up and zonked out by 9 p.m. I took a pain pill and was done until 8:30 Sunday morning. Then up and out for brunch with nana, a little more shopping - solo this time - and then home. Max, my puppy, and I laid on the couch and watched football only to wake up around 4:30. Geeze, I forget when I am in pain all I do is sleep. So the weekend was uneventful but busy and relaxing.

It is Monday AM and I am here at work with my coffee and a list of things to do before I leave at noon. I have a bone scan on my ankle today which takes 5 hours!!!! I get an IV injected in, sit around for a few hours and then get my scan for just over hour... how fun!!! Just what I wanted to do, spend my afternoon in a hospital. Oh well, I am determined by Christmas I can be the tree with all the xrays, tests, etc. I have had I will be glowing soon. Oh well, life will go on.

Hey, everyone have a great day and will check back soon. Just think, I have lots of meetings, "drink meetings," dinners out and finally another set-up to keep you posted on throughout the week!!

It's September

It is September and the chill of fall can already be felt in the wee morning hours. Summer is due back for a few days this weekend, but this is when we start to relaize those days are going to be few and far between until next year. When I start drinking hot coffee again you know there is a chill in the air on my ride into work.

Today is the day I start new things. I start focusing back on me and my sanity. In my new job (not so new anymore) I have watched my weight creep up slightly and with my foot being in a cast, that has added but that isn't an excuse - neither is working too much or always being on the go. I realized yesterday that if I can reorg my life around running a marathon I can certainly lose a few pounds. It just means going back to being diligent and being honest with myself. It isn't failure if I go off track, the key is to get right back on - it is feedback, not failure. I planned on getting up early and going to lift some weights but that didn't happen - passed out at 9:30 and never set my alarm for the gym, needed the sleep. So tomorrow is another day :-)

A quick note on the ankle - I will be going for a bone scan. From what I hear this is a few hour procedure to have the IV pass into the blood system, drink some fluids to flush me out and then lie on a table for 1 hour to scan my body. This is the real deal test - tells me if I have cancer, fractures, arthritis - anything. Ok, so I do have arthritis there, that is visible on my MRI and CT scan. Arthritis that was caused by the bone...love it! As always, will keep you updated.

In the meantime I am enjoying my "back to school" philosophy and hope it continues.

Labor Day Wknd recap

So this weekend was the most relaxing to date. You have to know that I kick off summer with a lobster/clam bake and I am always determined to finish summer that way. So this Sunday you could find me relaxing in the pool and then cooking up a storm of lobsters, clams, steamers, corn on the cob, clam chowder, potato and macaroni salad and then we ate some else's freshly made blueberry pie, oh don't forget the wine too...lots of that!

Monday found me running a few early morning errands with mom then out by the pool in the afternoon. Another little bar-b-que last night to close off the last unofficial weekend of summer.

It is sad to know the summer is coming to a close. I did not have a very exciting or eventful summer and my fall will be the same. I am hoping next year will be better. I hope to run again (babysteps - no marathons right off), bike, summer at the Cape and the lake, boat and do all things that excite and motivate me. This summer I was nothing more than a cranky, frustrated brat who had every right to be. I mean when you can't even walk the length of 6 neighborhood yards without being in a little pain you start to be ok with the crankiness. However, it is back to teh gym I go. I have decided with the summer fading I need to find my way back to the gym to do only what I can do...but as I tell my clients, something is better than nothing. I am turning 27 in 2 and 1/2 months and I want to be able to feel and look good.

Saturday of Labor Day Wknd

Just a quick check in to say "wow, what a day!" It was a bit on the cool side but the sun was nice and warm. Tonight is a perfect chilly night to sit by a fire. With a light fleece and bermuda shorts on I feel like I should be walking along the beach with a nice glass of wine soaking it all in. Of course, the boot gets in the way of the "perfect" picture.

OK, take care I am off for a glass of wine by the fire pit and pool (take what you can get)!!

I couldn't possibly...

...yes I could. I am considering staying where I am all thanks to a good chat yesterday with an asst. superintendent. We talked about what I can do to get into a supervisory role. This all came about when I mentioned I wanted to talk to her about my future here and this was in between meeting with principals. She said she was very impressed with me in these meetings because I really got what was going on and I understood. I spoke eloquently and with knowledge of what is really going on in the schools. That made me smile and feel really good. It has been a long time since I had someone in my corner and compliment me that way. Way over do and so needed.

With that I contacted a few more people today about my next steps.

So I am starting off the long weekend with a renewed sense of hope for my job, a new hair cut (decided going to South Hadley for cut, and my regular girl for color is the way to go)and a swollen ankle. OK, the ankle comes with the territory but it is swollen.

I plan on RELAXING by the pool this weekend big time. Starbucks, brunches, sun and drinks... what could be better.

Just when you think it is safe...

...insert Jaws music here. Just when you think it is safe and you are out of the clear..my care breaks down again. This time it wasn't in the gym parking lot though, it was in the middle of an intersection on my way to Starbucks this morning. And yes, never did get my Starbucks. So after being pushed out of the intersection, getting towed by a very good looking guy and shelling out $250 last week for a new battery and some extras, the alternator died and I am shelling out somewhere in the vicinity of 700 today plus 50 for towing. Lovely, just freakin' loveley!!!! Oh wait, it gets better... I also have a leak in my coolant system so that will be another 350. I have to wait until next week for that one to get fixed, so this girl gets to look daily underneath her hood to make sure she doesn't overheat the car. Looks like I will not be taking it away this weekend, we will have to use another vehicle! Not that I was driving anyways.

Arghh!!! Happy start of the school year to me!!!

Am I a sucker??

Today I was in meetings with assisitant superintendents and principals about their school's performance and listening to them talk about the challenges, struggles and tirumphs made me say - this is why I am here... to help them meet their goals. I admit there are times, especially now, when I feel like nothing more than a highly paid secretary but this afternoon made me say - this is it, this is why I do my job. I was talking with them as to let's do this and try this and I can come in and do this and the light bulb went off for me. Maybe not the light bulb that says this is you and the rest of your life but for now it gave me purpose and made me smile. I also spoke to my new boss later which was helpful too.

When you envision yourself, what do you see for the future? I can't fully answer that but I see me in a killer suit with killer shoes and running something. Not literally running, but in charge of something. I don't know what it is or where, but me in charge of something and that makes me happy. It makes me realize I am ok right now. I will still look but maybe the reason the rest of the jobs fell through is because I am meant to be right here right now. We shall see as I do believe "everything happens for a reason."

Life no longer handed to you on a silver platter??

I finally realized my life is no longer handed to me on a silver platter and I really do have to work for what I want. (gasp!) I came to this realization as my career life is in a state of chaos and I can't just go "this is what I want" and get it. Not that I could pick and chose like that before, but things always seemed to fall in place. I was graduating college and before I even did I had a job lined up at MassMutual and started 1 week after graduation. When I wanted a job change within the company, I got it. Didn't really like it but was given an out at Bay Path as I was finishing my master's at the time. Didn't go so well there with my new boss as I looked for change and she wanted stale, status quo. I left on not so great terms - dare I say I was Fired - but I took some time off.

It was then things started to unravel. I was diagnosed with ADD (what I thought was a death sentence because my type A personality was unraveling too) but the job hunt wasn't so easy. Ok, maybe looking for jobs via a laptop by the pool and constantly relaxing beach side wasn't the best but I had a killer tan and it was nice to relax for a change. Plus when my mom was injured and had to be home, I was there for her. I did land a job in the school department in Nov. 2004 which wasn't too challenging work wise for me but I did it and it gave me some great connections. Today, almost 3 years later I am still there trying to figure out what I am doing with my life. That said, it isn't they way it used to be anymore for job hunting. I have applied and interviewed for a few which I was a "shoe-in" for but I didn't get any of them. Kind of heart wrenching to know it isn't as easy as it used to be. Makes me wonder...did I lose my charm? What changed? How come when I was young and impressionable I could get what I wanted, now not so much?

Not that I am not adverse to working hard, I don't believe you should just be handed a job but have you seen a change in your life lately? It is nice for someone to say "here you go" but there is something more rewarding about working hard for it. However, when you want a change... why can't it just pop up when you want it to???

Updates...

... where to start.

Me - am doing ok. Still looking for my career purpose in life. Had some good conversations with people this week who are all surprised I didn't get my bosses job because as they say "wasn't I her protege??"" Well yes, but there are politics I try and be careful with and that was one of them. The Boston Sunday Globe career sections, NYT career section, Hartford Courant and Republican career sections were all in my house today. My foot is still attached. It kills!!! Some swelling has gone down but the pain...ouch! I got some wide leg capris this weekend to wear well into the fall seeing as my boot isn't going away any time soon. See this is what I get to wear...

I think I could go on and on about work and my foot but I won't too much. I have decided I will most likely buy some extra pairs of Crocs because I have to wear 1 shoe and it needs to have some height to even out my lovely boot. My love for fashion is seriously shot right now. I did however fall in love with a new Coach bag. I decided if I spent $1,000 for a black one and a tan colored one than I would get rid of all my other bags. Don't worry... I don't have that to spend right now...

Oh, so you know how my coworkers are lately... I got flowers Friday from some friends at MassMutual and they are gorgeous!!! Anyways, my boss, coworkers - everyone - came over to ask who they are from and why. Well my old coworkers I said and for my foot...I enjoyed every minute of rubbing it into their faces that I am respected and cared for even after I leave some place. It has been 3 years since I left MM and still they love me. A little selfish of me - yes, but needed. Will it work, probably not but I am soooo thankful for my flowers.

By the way, thanks to everyone who said I should buy Ian a wedding present. I agree too. As for hearing from him - I haven't. Until I do I won't buy anything plus I wouldn't know where to send it. I hope I can... it would make me feel good to start thinking of him as a good friend again. I would like to try for real this time but I am not sure how willing he is.

The Ankle

Update on the ankle... saw the surgeon this afternoon. I had a steroid shot today that is killing me right now!!!! Home with my foot up. Tomorrow is touch and go as for going to work too... supposed to stay off of it for 24 hours. So the shot is the way it goes, two week update to the doc to say yea or nay on it working. Might need a bone scan and a second opinion which my sister is working on already. The short of it... still in the boot and need to "journal" my pain, sit on a bike and pedal...not spin and nothing else - not PT, nothing. So another 4 weeks of the same crap!!! No cute fall shoes or pants for me... :-(

Because I Said So

In my last post I told you it was Saturday night and I was home with my dog watching movies... yep, it was true. And a half of bottle Chardonnay and two movies later I am questioning my love life yet again!!!

I watched the movie 'Because I Said So' with Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore. It is about a girl probably about my age dating all of the wrong guys and after seeing her two other daughters marry happily the mother, Diane, wants her last daughter, Mandy, to date a nice guy. So, she enlists online dating and interviews the guys first. She does this in a hotel bar and the musician playing that day takes note. They chat and the mother basically says he is wrong for he daughter and the next guy to show up is "perfect." Anyway long story short Mandy ends up with the musician at the end of the show. It was light hearted, fun, carefree but again made me feel like a loser in love. I have dated EVERY wrong guy and wonder when I will find Mr. Right. Let's see who I have dated shall we...
1. left for me for "best" friend (we were 15),
2. dating someone else by 4 (recurring theme),
3. no respect for women,
4. feels the need to have someone on the side,
5. can't let go of the wrong girls when the right one is standing in front of him waiting,
6. "can't let go's" boss who is 12 years older and has a daughter closer in my age (ok more hooking up than dating),
7. the guy from work who wants to grow up yet doesn't want the help/relationship because I intimidate him, and
8. my best friend although short lived.

We can obviously tell that I tend to date guys who are unavailable, either emotionally or physically. Recurring theme - YEP!!! I can read so much into this and not sure how blog appropriate it is because I know who reads this but I will say it all has to do with one fateful night back in the summer between freshman and sophomore year of college when I vowed never to move back to Springfield (that went well) and the course of my emotional life changed forever. I can honestly say that all of this has led me to live this way and makes me realize that at age 26 I have never truly been in love. I know why I am the way I am and how I got this way and I am also pretty good at hiding it. I have finally come to realize and admit I need to fix this. I need to change and say goodbye to some people in my life.

That said, when I am ready to find love, where do you look? I tried online, I tried work but right now working in a predominantly all female environment isn't helping, I have two best friends who are too far to be my sidekicks and one who is close but dating someone herself. I did tell people I am looking and open, so maybe you too can spread the word. Work in progress looking for someone... :-)

Best Friend, Part II

Sorry for the long delay this week but it has been a rough week - work is crazy, Gina left which means my best friend and my sanity is gone so now work truly will be crazy!!!

Anyways it is Saturday night and I am sitting home with my dog and chinese, wine and movies. Hey, if I had two workable feet maybe I would be out on the town, but alas I am here waiting to see the surgeon on Tuesday.

Ok, an update from the post the other day on Ian. I heard from Ian and I can say I wasn't too surprised... I thought I might. In some ways I still know him... :-) Ian emailed me and said in some ways he does have the same "what if" feeling but time will only tell. In the mean time he is not only getting engaged but they set a date and I am not invited. I can't say I am suprised... I think in order for me to get an invite, btw he decided not to invite me, he and I would have needed to grab coffee some time and chat in person and if that went well, I would have then met her but that never happened. Not to say I never tried... I am in Boston at least once a month, not since May, but roughly once a month. It is a city I love and can't stay away from. So back to Ian, I am not invited and right now am ok with it but I do have to say I would love to grab coffee with Ian sometime and catch up in person and see how it goes. My one question is, how much does she really know about me??? He said she does know but what exactly does she know and should she know everything... That's a question that plagues my mind mostly because he said I am his "what if" girl and I don't want him to feel this way on his wedding day. I don't want him thinking about me... I don't think he will but I really don't want him to...he deserves not to. Can I ask though, when is the wedding and can I buy them a gift? Is that ok? He was my friend of 22/23 years and I want to see him happy regardless. Let me know.

When do you know the time is right?

I just left my dear friend's house - Mr. Atlanta. He and I relaxed, watched tv but we also talked. We talked about love lives and mostly his - we all know mine is a bit non-existant right now. The big thing that came up is why is he still dating someone he doesn't sleep with much (I know), but more importantly doesn't spend much time with and get along too well with. And this is the second or third time he has been with her. Same girl who broke vases, etc. his condo back in December. In all respect to her I never met her and I can't speak very negatively of her but I don't get how either of them can be in a relationship that has fizzled out sooo long ago. I stayed in my last relationship for nine months but we saw each other mutlitple times a week... it wasn't perfect - we didn't go out in public too much unless it was to our bars or friends but he did work until 10 pm every night but Sunday and Monday. It wasn't perfect but we tried and truly did talk alot and see each other a lot.

I don't want to judge Mr. A's relationship and he knows my concern of saying "why?" is not so I can date him but so I can see him happy again. I saw that brief glimpse over Christmas and I miss that from him. When do you know the time is right to say "this is the right time to let go." How do you know?

us from a few years ago...

Best Friend

My friend Ian may have a hard time reading this if he still checks out the blog because this post is 100% dedicate to him and me. This post was made possible due to me reading a book this weekend, Rosie Dunne. I couldn't sleep the other night and started it and then finished it a few hours later, one of those quick reads you can't put down. Unfortunately I cried my way through it too because it reminded me about Ian.

Ian and I first met when we were little babies in the 'cry room' at church. We were too young then to really remember much but apparently we connected as friends so my mom said. High school was the next time we saw each other and I forget how we realized who we were to one another but it came out I think as we were in four classes together and he was seeing my best friend at the time. Anyway to keep a long story short we became best friends, went to college a few blocks away from one other and were verbally inseparable making decisions about life and live together. We definitely were friends with benefits but the friendship way out weighed the benefits part.

I moved away and that is where our problems began. He stayed and got mad I left but we stayed friends, all hours day and night we talked. We tried to become more than friends and not for the sake of trying but the not being honest on his part put a wrench into our friendship and my faith in him was shattered. I tried and he tried but we couldn't get back there. He has since moved on to find someone else, get engaged, etc. I too but there is not a day goes by when I don't think of him and miss him. He was the first person I told I got a job, I was moving, I was going to grad school, I lost my virginity in the worst way and more importantly he knew what I was thinking and say it aloud or finish my sentences. He truly was my best friend and we both made mistakes that let it fade.

Well the book I read, Rosie Dunn, was about two best friends, male and female, and they see each other through a move to America (they were in Dublin), relationships, babies, marriages, more kids, deaths, etc. The story ends with them finally after 50 years of being friends getting together because throughout their lives they realized they were meant to be. It was such a nice story and it made me miss Ian so much. I do love him, I cannot however say I am in love with him. He definitely is my "what if" guy though. I am certainly not friendly enough now to be invited to his wedding but I wonder if I did go how both he and I would handle it. I wonder if either of us would have a hard time with it. I honestly don't know how I would act. I think I may feel a little pang in my stomach watching him get married or knowing when that day comes. I was a little unsettled knowing he got engaged. He was once my best friend and I know I don't have any ownership of him today but do you ever wonder what if? Is there someone you miss and wonder what if???

Ian, if you read this, I am sorry but I had to. I miss you and I miss us. I would not ruin what you have today, I don't have it in me but I do miss my friend and I am sorry for what I did or didn't do to hold on. I do know if it is meant to be for us being friends again, we will be. If not, know I love you enough to let you go but I will never forget you.