Best Friend

My friend Ian may have a hard time reading this if he still checks out the blog because this post is 100% dedicate to him and me. This post was made possible due to me reading a book this weekend, Rosie Dunne. I couldn't sleep the other night and started it and then finished it a few hours later, one of those quick reads you can't put down. Unfortunately I cried my way through it too because it reminded me about Ian.

Ian and I first met when we were little babies in the 'cry room' at church. We were too young then to really remember much but apparently we connected as friends so my mom said. High school was the next time we saw each other and I forget how we realized who we were to one another but it came out I think as we were in four classes together and he was seeing my best friend at the time. Anyway to keep a long story short we became best friends, went to college a few blocks away from one other and were verbally inseparable making decisions about life and live together. We definitely were friends with benefits but the friendship way out weighed the benefits part.

I moved away and that is where our problems began. He stayed and got mad I left but we stayed friends, all hours day and night we talked. We tried to become more than friends and not for the sake of trying but the not being honest on his part put a wrench into our friendship and my faith in him was shattered. I tried and he tried but we couldn't get back there. He has since moved on to find someone else, get engaged, etc. I too but there is not a day goes by when I don't think of him and miss him. He was the first person I told I got a job, I was moving, I was going to grad school, I lost my virginity in the worst way and more importantly he knew what I was thinking and say it aloud or finish my sentences. He truly was my best friend and we both made mistakes that let it fade.

Well the book I read, Rosie Dunn, was about two best friends, male and female, and they see each other through a move to America (they were in Dublin), relationships, babies, marriages, more kids, deaths, etc. The story ends with them finally after 50 years of being friends getting together because throughout their lives they realized they were meant to be. It was such a nice story and it made me miss Ian so much. I do love him, I cannot however say I am in love with him. He definitely is my "what if" guy though. I am certainly not friendly enough now to be invited to his wedding but I wonder if I did go how both he and I would handle it. I wonder if either of us would have a hard time with it. I honestly don't know how I would act. I think I may feel a little pang in my stomach watching him get married or knowing when that day comes. I was a little unsettled knowing he got engaged. He was once my best friend and I know I don't have any ownership of him today but do you ever wonder what if? Is there someone you miss and wonder what if???

Ian, if you read this, I am sorry but I had to. I miss you and I miss us. I would not ruin what you have today, I don't have it in me but I do miss my friend and I am sorry for what I did or didn't do to hold on. I do know if it is meant to be for us being friends again, we will be. If not, know I love you enough to let you go but I will never forget you.