Last night and today I have realized the hardest things I need to do. I need to say goodbye to Ian who is getting married soon and to Chris as well. Ian because as I said, he is getting married and it truly isn't all about me anymore and to Chris who I tried to use as a void for Ian but he couldn't fill that void because as much as he cares for me I am not that important to him.
So today I sent Chris an email. I hated to do the email but I know it is the only way to reach him right now. I said I have to cut my ties with him because it is unfair of me to expect things from him he wasn't capable of doing or frankly knew I wanted him to do. I told him I love him and always will but I am not in love with him. I said we either needs to define us as friends and what kind of friends or suck it up and try dating and see how that goes. Any which way we need a definition to who we are as a "couple" and we need to stick by it. Problem is Chris is still trying to grow up and any type of definition is hard for him...or so I think.
As for Ian, I haven't emailed him yet so maybe he will read this first, which isn't my intention but I need to cut him off too. I am just afraid of the upcoming for all of us. I know when his wedding day arrives I will have an issue, sorry Ian. I will because for so long Ian was the guy for me who listened, offered advice, watched TV with - everything. We finished each other's sentences and while his life didn't revolved around me in some ways it did and vice versa. I was his go to girl and he was my go to guy. We had some issues these past few years but I never thought I would truly be replaced, stupid me, and so soon. I am happy for him and for her because she is getting an amazing guy. I also wanted to send a wedding gift but now I know I can't because this time is all about her, not about me. Plus after he gets married at the end of this month we will have even more limited contact now because it will truly be all about her now.
So I have come to the time in my life when I have to realize it is not all about me, it can't be. I also need to let go of those I love for all of us to be better off and for the first time in a long time I feel truly alone. I know I have some true friends out there but Ian and Chris were in my life the longest and they are my guys friends too and those are always hard to come by.
So for now, farewell to both Ian and Chris. I love you both dearly and more than words can describe. Only time will tell how and if we enter our lives again but something inside me keeps the faith. Much love, K
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